Over the last several weeks, Pastor Craig Groeschel from Life Church, has been teaching on a series called Masquerade.  Masquerade is about the real side of ourselves that nobody else sees and tearing down the facade that we sometimes feel we must hide behind.  Yesterday there was the challenge that we share with the people around us the things that may be keeping us from experiencing a real relationship with God and our community.  I agree that when we build up huge walls it is difficult, if not impossible, to see the world around us — as well as for people to see us for who we really are.  I have been building an enormous castle for a very long time, but because of the Masquerade series I’ve decided it is time to smash it down.  Letting down my guard may open myself up to attacks, but I am at a point in my life where I would rather face an outside enemy than keep the deadly enemy within myself constrained.  It is time to stop lying and experiencing joy again …

I AM ANGRY

My dad passed away unexpectedly at the age of 51 in 1991.  It has been nineteen years and there have been periods of time where this tragic event in my life was shuffled way back into my mind, but for some reason, I believe the pain is still there.  It should not have been this way.  However,  I am convinced that because of this event, it allowed me to find a loving God whom I never knew before and dramatically changed my life for the best.

I am also angry at how life has turned out in some ways.  I shut down a great business for a two year venture that I hoped would have been longer.  While there were many awesome and positive things that I experienced (and am very thankful for them) there were also some big potholes on this journey that rocked my world.  It truly bothers me how some things ended up but I am really trying to leave them all in the past.

I AM BITTER

Men usually base their value on what the world defines as being successful such as careers and business or material things like wealth.  I am no different.  I’ve poured my life into two previous businesses that I had hoped would be the ones I retired from, yet they didn’t work out and I had to start over.  I’ve paid some painful dues for over a decade and invested all I could into building my street cred, skill sets, and passions only to see younger, less experienced people fast-track past me or reap much bigger fruits. I should have had my “slice of the American pie” by now based on the notion that hard work and talent will get you that. Yet I also realize that I am blessed in ways that truly matter and try to focus on those instead of what the world says I should.

I AM SAD

Turning 40 and having a teenager turning 18 and getting ready to fly the nest in the same year feels like a double whammy.  No doubt these are awesome milestones to celebrate and embrace, but the reality is that I’ve really struggled with them as absurd as it seems.

I AM CYNICAL

My lack of belief and trust in most people has come through my experience of being crapped on and stabbed in the back too many times, by Christians and non-Christians alike.  My world has become jaded and the people I feel I can totally believe in and trust can be counted on one hand.  I’m like the lone wolf in Dances with Wolves – cautious, leery of humans, and at times prefer to just keep to myself.  These traits are neither healthy or beneficial, but it is how I have become.

I AM CHANGING

I’ve only touched on the surface the big things that have robbed me of joy and my relationship with God.  It has been a rough few years!  But it is time to let the wounds heal and to begin living a life filled with happiness again.  My family has suffered because of my mood swings and I’ve not been the person that I used to be.  On the surface it may appear that I have it all together, but deep down these situations have caused much grief and suffering.

I will admit that I am way blessed beyond measure compared to so many people’s lives and situations, but in order for me to fully understand and accept this I had to drop my mask … today.  I’m not sure if these admissions will hurt my business or credibility.  I am not sure if I will be ridiculed or mocked.  I do know this; it is time for me to bring change and that this is a very big step in the process.  If this challenge on transparency heals the wounds and allows me a new freedom I haven’t experienced for some time, then it is totally worth any repercussions that may eventually come.

Thank you Pastor Craig for your challenge and for a smack down series at Life Church!